I started writing a post on Monday, about how despondent, alone and anxious I’m feeling about the state my job hunt is in. After a brilliant Christmas break spent with those that mean the most to me, and the to actually have sometime not spent looking for jobs, as no new ones were being advertised for the obvious reason that it was Christmas, the reality of being unemployed and desperately searching for a job that seems to be going nowhere, has brought me back down to earth with a huge bump.
Never in the soon to be eight months since I finished university have I felt so useless. I’m not doing anything to work towards a future. Not because I don’t want to, I want to more than anything, but let’s face it, not much can be done to start planning a future if you haven’t even got onto the career ladder with no steady income coming in every month. Not only can I not contribute to my own future, I can’t contribute to society. Now no one wants to have their payslip taxed, but it’s more that I can’t stand being viewed as one of those stereotypical job seekers that skive off money from the average taxpayer and the government in order to just sit around on their backsides all day, everyday, with no intention of even looking for a job, let alone going out the door to do a 9-5 every day of the week. I know that no one I know thinks that of me, they see how hard I am trying to get a job, but for some people out there I go along with their bog standard view that to be on job seekers allowance you must be doing absolutely nothing in trying to actually get anywhere. This combined with the feeling of being utterly lost; with no idea what direction to take next and having no clue what the future holds for me, lethargic from the constant hunt for work and never getting any closer to where I would like to be, frustrated through being surrounded by friends who actually seem to be getting jobs in what they actually want to do in life, overall I have never ever felt as low about being unemployed as I do right now.
Nothing with regards to finding a job seems to be going right, and although I know I shouldn’t be feeling like this, recently I just want to give up. Of course I never will actually just stop looking and give up all hope of ever getting somewhere in my life, I will continue to push myself until I come out on top and finally get something, even when I feel like all hope is lost, I will keep on going. At the moment it’s just very hard to do so when all I hear is friends getting new jobs and starting on career paths that they have worked so hard to get to, and even harder when you endlessly reply for jobs, some of which you read and think ‘this is me all over, I match all of the criteria they want, this could really be the job for me’, and you either never hear back from them, or a few weeks later receive the dreaded rejection email, bringing any hope you had crashing down and taking weeks for it to be repaired, before it happens all over again. A truly vicious cycle, one that was bad enough after only a couple of months of being out of university, but now, at nearly eight months, it’s ten times worse than it used to be.
As I started to say at the very beginning of this post, I started writing a new post for this part of my blog on Monday (6th January), as I was feeling everything that I have just described to you. These feelings were sort of pushed to the side, as on Tuesday morning I got an interview for a content writer position at a travel company. As soon as I got the email and phone call I felt uplifted, positive, hence why I never got round to finishing or publishing the post I originally began to write. The interview was today, but unfortunately due to it being quite a way away from where I live, as well as a complete mission to get to, plus costing an arm and a leg to get there and back, it didn’t end up happening. A new low was me basically bursting into tears at a bus stop in the middle of a business facility. Thankfully, no one was around, as that would have just been completely humiliating. Everything just hit me at once. The stress of looking for a job, my internship falling through back in November, the feelings that were building up inside of me that I have just spoken of, and me being foolish enough to not let them out so they just got worse and worse, and the hope that I had had about the interview suddenly coming crashing back down on me, I had to let it out, and apparently crying was the only way for me to do so at the time. So once again, for what feels like the billionth time, I’m back to square one. Again. I know that you shouldn’t tempt fate, and it may come across as a little bit selfish in me saying this, but I really hope that I will get there soon. I don’t want to be stuck in a rut forever, and it would be very much appreciated if the coming months would bring my chance to show everyone what I can do. That’s all I’m asking for.