Worrying. At some point in everyone’s lives, people are going to worry about something or other. Whether it’s about an exam they’ve taken, whether or not they’re going to get into the university of their choice, if the person they like feels the same way about them, or something stressful that might be happening at work, worrying is a common emotion that can be allowed to completely consume someone’s mind if they let it.
Me? I’ve always been a worrier. I worried for weeks on end about a team day away that I went on with my work colleagues last November, I used to stress myself out about every driving lesson I went on when I was learning how to drive. Heck, I even worry when I go out driving now, and I passed my test over six years ago! In school I used to worry about the usual things that play on a teenagers mind. Boys, exams, future career prospects, petty arguments with friends over the fact we didn’t have the same music taste, etc, etc.
Between the ages of 16 and 18 when I was studying for my A Levels, I used to worry about the fact that, at that point, I’d never been kissed, never had a boyfriend, whether or not my exam results would be good enough to get me into university. Fast forward a few years to my time at uni, and the usual worries of long distance relationships whilst studying for a degree, getting good enough grades, gaining valuable work experience and finding a job in the field I want once I’d graduated were common thoughts that raced through my mind.
But now, you may ask, what do I worry about now? Almost 25-years-old, in a happy, loving relationship, great friends, good job, saving up money towards flying the nest and moving in with my boyfriend, what could be there to worry about? Obviously I do sometimes worry about money and saving up enough in order to move out, but other than that I feel pretty lucky in that I don’t currently have much else to worry about.
My brain though, seems to like conspiring against me. It’s almost as if the relaxed state of mind I’ve had about my own life for the past year displeases it, and so it decides to conjure up these little thoughts for me to obsess over and continuously worry about. These things aren’t even relevant in my life, in fact, and excuse my language, they’re complete bullshit. My mind literally has the ability to make up problems or something to worry about out of nothing, and I often find myself wondering why on earth I do this to myself.
I try and control it, don’t get me wrong I try and keep these worries at bay, and more often than not this works and I’m able to push these irrational worries to the back of my mind. There are times though, like the past few weeks for instance, where these thoughts seem to take over my mind and as hard as I try, they cannot be suppressed. I will spend a good part of my day, no matter what I’m doing, worrying over nothing. It gets to the point where I literally feel as though my brain is about to flop in my skull from being worn out at the amount of over thinking it’s processed in a day. Then, suddenly, it gets to about 8pm of an evening, and my more rational part of my brain comes along, tells all the stupid thoughts to shut up and stop worrying about nothing, that everything it’s thinking is utter rubbish, and all is calm once again in my brain.
Am I alone in the amount of worrying and do? And the fact that I worry over absolutely anything and everything? People always tell me I worry too much over nothing, which I know I do. I don’t think anyone I know is more aware of this fact than myself. Yet still, I can’t seem to stop myself from doing it. I hate using this as an excuse all the time, but I do think it’s partly linked to my Mum dying. During that time I had so many thoughts running through my mind, and I was constantly anxious and on edge about what was happening at home, that I’ve almost become used to worrying about something.
So it would seem that, nearly a decade since she was first diagnosed with cancer, and nearly eight years since she died, my mind is coming up with things to worry about. Maybe I do this to stop myself from being hurt especially as these thoughts only seem to arise when I’m happiest and most relaxed in life. Maybe it’s a defence mechanism, stopping myself from getting hurt incase I don’t have my guard up when I’m in a happy place. Who knows, but what I do know it gets almighty annoying at times.