Like a vicious circle that never seems to end, my anxiety is once again at a very high level. After a good few months of feeling quite normal and not letting myself worry about anything, the last week has seen my levels start to creep up again. Why it’s happened, I don’t know. What triggered it, I haven’t got a clue. It came completely out of the blue and I wish I could stop it from happening, but I feel like I can’t do anything to stop it.
When I’m having moments like this, whereby I see the world in quite a negative light and misinterpret everything said by people around me, I feel completely alone and worry about even the slightest things. For instance, with talk of the general election here in the UK being featured quite heavily in the media this week, instead of thinking nothing of it and simply deciding how I’m going to vote come 8th June, I over think the whole process, worry about absolutely nothing and start to worry how people around me will choose to vote.
It may sound stupid, and I do feel a little bit silly writing it out, but if someone votes differently to how I do, I worry that they’re not nice people or that they wouldn’t like me because I have different opinions to me. I know, I actually cringed a bit at writing that, as it makes me sound like I’m not accepting of other people’s views and believe that everyone should think like I do, which is the complete opposite of who I am and is not something I agree with. But, for some unknown reason, when it comes to instances like the general election and the big Brexit vote last summer, my anxiety sets off all these silly, unnecessary questions in my head and I start to question everything and everyone around me. It’s not fun; I wish I could switch off and view the world like everyone else does, not just with the example I’ve just explained, but with pretty much everything.
I’m sure I’ve written about this many a time before on my blog, but I have a tendency to worry about anything and everything. The slightest thing will set me off, and once my head has started spinning with a million questions at once flying around my brain, there’s nothing I can do to stop it. Personally, I even find that trying to ignore it and carry on as though everything is fine only tends to make it worse.
Eventually, the anxious thoughts tend to stop going crazy and I manage to get some order back into my head. It does take quite a while to get back to ‘normal’; sometimes it takes a few days, other times its a few weeks. Then there are the times when it takes a good few months, which is what happened around this time last year. As I mentioned at the very beginning of the post, my anxiety, as I’m sure it is for a lot of other people, is a vicious circle that at times feels like it’s never going to end. When I’m in the grips of it, as I feel I am at the moment, I feel like life could potentially never be ‘normal’ again.
I will admit, I’m getting a little bit tired of the same process happening over and over again every few months. I’m bored of having niggling thoughts at the back of my head for the majority of the time, and then, after a few months, having a bit of a mini breakdown in my head and living with the heavyweight of my anxiety hanging on my shoulders every second of the day. Maybe it’s getting to the point where I should admit I can’t do this on my own any more, and that I need to get some kind of help. I’ve heard from a lot of people that some GPs can be a little bit dismissive to those living with anxiety, paranoia, etc., but I’m hoping that with the launch of BBC Three’s new campaign about 1 in 4 people living with some kind of mental health issues that more awareness will be raised and more people, including myself, can potentially get the help they need…